One thing I’ve said right from the start of this little blog of mine, is that I want to be as honest as I can when sharing my personal tales of mommyhood. See, I just love when fellow mamas divulge the REALNESS of life, kids, marriage, womanhood and everything in between, as they depict their various daily adventures. It’s about admitting that life can often be crazy and chaotic, and that along with all the wonderful & amazing ups, every now and then there are some not so desirable downs. That our lives are not perfect…that WE are not perfect and it’s ok to acknowledge our faults. Because THAT is what I can identify with and THAT is what lets me know I am not alone…and not the only neurotic, stubborn, sarcastic, shopaholic who has a serious chocolate addiction (see here) and sometimes second-guesses her abilities as a mother & wife.
So, in continuing with this objective, I thought I’d list out a few honest revelations that are randomly floating around my brain at the moment.
1. I never thought that after becoming a parent I would also become so incredibly dependent on CAFFEINE!
2. No matter how hard I try not to, I still continue to regularly compare myself to other moms. One day I will have to accept the following: arts & crafts are not my thing, I do not possess the skills necessary to cook fabulously fresh & healthy meals on a daily basis, I will always feel a little out of place in those mommy groups/clubs, and I will most likely never be the ambitiously organized head of our school’s PTA.
3. Mommy Guilt – WTF?? With me, this phenomenon started not long after my baby girl was born and was fueled by a (predictable) case of post-partum depression. I had all these crazy emotions & feelings of doubt, anxiety, and resentment, which of course brought on a boatload of guilt. It took a good 6 months before I really felt connected to my daughter, hence more guilt. Not that I didn’t love my peanut with all my heart, I did! I just never imagined NOT having that new mommy glow right away. Of course, now when I think of those first few months I can’t help but feel tremendous guilt that I wasn’t the best mom that I could have been - that I kind of missed out on moments I’ll never get back. Over the last 3 1/2 (almost 4) years the various forms of guilt related to what I am or am not doing in regards to my role as a mama just keep piling on, and unfortunately I don’t expect that to completely stop any time soon.
Hoo boy…..I think that’s probably enough reflection & honesty for tonight. I should be asleep by now so that I can start tomorrow refreshed, energized and bright & shiny! Alas, since it is now 11:20 pm, I will not get enough sleep to achieve the afore-mentioned bright & shiny disposition. Naturally, I will start the day tired & cranky and will most likely procrastinate all morning, causing us to run late yet again!
Serenity now…….serenity now.
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