Mothering Outside The Box

I’ve often said that I’m not your typical stay-at-home mama  and have no problem what so ever admitting to this (I proudly display this statement on my blog’s brief  ‘about me’ bio).  In fact, I recently discovered another ‘non-mommy mommies’ type (as she calls herself) blogger, and love her new shits and giggles feature that kinda embraces what I’m trying to say here.  So be sure to check out Ericka over at Alabastercow.com – trust me, you won’t regret it!

Since my daughter was born and I first gingerly dangled my toe into the murky waters of motherhood, I have always felt a bit out of  sync when compared to other moms (and isn’t that what we do best, continually compare ourselves to those around us?).  Of course, my bout with postpartum the first 6 months (or more) certainly did not help matters – especially as I struggled to find that connection with my baby that most new mothers glowingly gush about.  I’ve often thought of myself as not really fitting into that standard motherhood mold, which seems to require most if not all of the following actions: cooking for the entire family 7 days a week, meticulously cleaning every nook & cranny of the house on a WEEKLY basis (this includes baseboards, windows, blinds, etc.), laundering something/anything on a DAILY basis, sewing & mending as needed, and basically satisfying everyone’s needs at all times so that no one shall be left unfulfilled……and all of this is done with a giant smile, apron on, oven mitts in hand!

Phew, that’s one hell of a job description!  Not that I don’t do any of that, just maybe not as often or with as much enthusiasm.  So, in celebration of those of us who are more the anti-Betty Crocker kind, I thought I’d compile my personal list of  5 random yet awesome qualities that make me who I am  - a real mom, not afraid to admit my faults and sit back, eat some chocolate, and revel in my imperfections (ok, so I don’t often sit around and celebrate my inadequacies, but you get my point).

1. I LOVE takeout (or carry-out, take-away, what have you) and have about 20+ menus in my collection that get used quite frequently.
2. I tend to curse like a sailor, although never around my daughter if I can help it, and find it slightly cleansing to get out a good “mother******.
3. Sometimes I’ll drive a little slower on the way to pick up the peanut at school, just so I can listen to Howard Stern for a few more minutes.
4. I love my little girl with every fiber of my being, this cannot be stated enough, but praise the Nap Gods for my daily dose of  ME TIME over the last 4 years (knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood)!
5. A good glass of wine (or a Margarita if need be) at the end of the day solves all problems.

So there you have it!  Now come on, aren’t you just itching to share some of your beautiful realness???


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Old Navy – You Sorta, Kinda Suck!

I don’t know about you, but my shopping experiences have seriously been lacking as of late….instead turning into frustrating & annoying excursions.  Now, I must preface my forthcoming rant by stating that about 90% of my retail therapy is carried  out at mid to bargain-priced stores (i.e. Gap, Target, Old Navy, etc.) and the rest is done in places more toward the higher-end of the spectrum like Nordstrom, or with brands such as Juicy and Seven For All Mankind.  Of course, it goes without saying that my distress comes not from the latter, but from those that fall into that 90% realm.

Now, what I’m talking about here revolves around two main complaints:

1. a lack of inventory/size availability
2. a significant decline in quality. 

Over the last couple of years, I’ve noticed both of these issues all over the place and I gotta’ tell you, it’s starting to piss me off.  It seems no matter when I go, the styles I like are barely stocked and not available in my size….the few pieces left dangling from the rack are either a size “0” or a size “16”, with not much in-between.   And if I do come across something in my size, you bet your tushie I’m buying it, because chances are excellent I will never find it again.  I mean seriously, is it me or are these stores totally not re-stocking items once they sell out??  Whereas before a shopper could afford to come back weeks later to buy an item, now there really is no such freedom of time.  In addition, I’ve seriously noticed the quality of many clothes has taken a nosedive.  Of course, with bargain stores you can’t set your expectations too high to begin with and should be happy if a shirt lasts longer than a season or two.  But this is getting ridiculous, that even here they’ve managed to lower their standards and sell some flat-out crap!

All of this was none the more evident than during my weekend trip to our local Old Navy.  Now, they’ve recently renovated this location and the fact that the new layout is freakin horrendous certainly didn’t help matters.  Add to that that the store was completely DESTROYED (at about 2pm in the afternoon no less) and I was already ticked off before I even got started.  But, I had high hopes, especially since it was the first day of their “stuff & save” promotion and I was looking to find some great deals.  Alas, my dreams were dashed once I started walking around.  I was specifically looking for some new capris for summer.  However, there was hardly any selection whatsoever, certainly not what they should have had on the first day of a sale and for this time of year.  And what little availability they did have, of course wasn’t at hand in my size.  In fact, almost nothing I liked was!  GRRRRR!   Then there was the quality of some items, or rather the lack thereof.   Especially their standard t-shirts….they were way too thin and the fit was just really off, not flattering in any way.  Honestly, I can find better t-shirts at Target (and cheaper too).  And did I mention the inconsistent sizing??  One size definitely did not fit all, that’s for sure.

Needless to say, I spent like an hour and a half in that Godforsaken store, trying on everything in 3 different sizes and desperately wanting to make something work!  I ended up with this shirred, short sleeved shirt for a measly $6.99 and 4 items for my TODDLER.  Again, GRRRRR!  Dare I say that I think my long standing love affair with Old Navy might be coming to a sad & tragic end?!

Ok, enough whining & complaining (for now).  But, I must ask, does anyone else feel the same way??  Are you guys experiencing the same frustrations??  CAN I GET AN AMEN??



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The One Where I Almost Passed Out At The Gym

I’ve been dedicated to exercising for almost a year now, successfully making it a part of my daily/weekly routine.  And truly it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done.  However, lately (pretty much since the holidays)I’ve felt that  I’ve fallen a little off-track.  So, I decided to add more cardio, including a relatively intense class called “Cardio Body Training”.  Think lots of intervals with weight training & running included.  When I described some of the many various activities to my hubby, he likened it to some of the movements seen in the P90x series.  I’m not much of a runner (don’t like it and honestly don’t have the endurance for it), so during the 2 –3 trips out to the track in each class, I’ve been hopping on a treadmill. 

Two days ago I went to my 4th class, having not gone for 2 weeks due to that lovely cut on my arm, the weather, etc.  Things started fine, with us utilizing the bosu ball for a lot of the exercises.  I even joined the class for our first run, around the basketball court.  For the second run, I decided to hop on the treadmill….and it was there, after just a minute or two, that I was surprised by an odd feeling of not being able to catch my breath – as if I wasn’t getting enough oxygen with each breath in.  So I quickly jumped off  and started to feel better after walking around a bit.  I re-joined the class back inside the studio, and was in the middle of doing planks with weighted arm extensions when that feeling came over me again, just more intense.  I was already near the door, so I walked out of the room and stood there, hunched over and not being able to breathe….I couldn’t even get enough air needed to say my name, it just came out as a breathless whisper.  Another instructor was nearby, saw my panicked expression, and needless to say, in a matter of seconds about 10 people rushed at me….including the club’s nurse, who brought an oxygen tank and heart monitor.  I ended up sitting on the floor with her for a good 20 minutes, as my symptoms slowly subsided and I started to feel better.  All in all, she theorized that my heart rate most likely had shot up to way beyond it’s max limit!  I could have simply over-done it, but it could have also happened for some other reason.  She suggested I call my primary doc for some testing, and sent me to the club’s cafe for some Gatorade and a banana. 

So, I promptly went to my doc yesterday, and after a normal EKG and listening to my heart/lungs, he did not think it was a  heart-related problem, but possibly ‘exercise-induced-asthma’ or some other bronchial irritation.  Could also be a virus, but that would probably produce illness symptoms.  Honestly, I’m still not sure about his diagnosis.  Even today, 2 days later, I still have this feeling of heaviness/tightness in my chest and have dealt with radiating back pain most of the day.  And when you do a search for the whole EIA thing, most sites list coughing as a major symptom, which I did not have.

I guess I am a little anxious about the whole situation (which of course does not help).  My doc also gave me an Advair disk, to use if another ‘attack’ happens as a way to relieve the symptoms.   And boy, mentioning that tidbit to people has caused me to receive a firestorm of advice that Advair should NEVER be used that way, no matter what the circumstances!  WTF??   My doc assured me it was ok, that in my special situation it was perfectly fine to use the medication that way and others have done it as well.  I’m not sure what to believe, but I DO know that if I still don’t feel well tomorrow, I will call back and most likely he’ll have me go do a chest x-ray.  This is all so crazy, especially when I’ve NEVER had anything like that happen to me before. 

To say the least, the whole thing was a freaky experience and has totally caught me off guard!



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How Mama Ruined The Night

So, two days ago we had yet another crazy day of  unprecedented snowfall – I mean seriously, two Nor’easter’s  within a week?  At this point I am SO over it!   Wednesday’s blizzard was an all day event, a complete white-out, that added  two more feet of snow on top of all that was still left from last week.  Needless to say, we hunkered down, yet again.  And when the power went out at about 5:30pm, I was highly annoyed at first, but then decided to roll with it by pouring a glass of wine and giggling with the peanut about how we were all going to snuggle in bed together later on.

Unfortunately, I singlehandedly brought our jovial mood to a screeching halt by accidentally slicing the inside of my wrist with the lid of a soup can.  I know, FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC, right??  Now, I completely blame it on the power outage, since it was the reason we were making soup (on our gas stove) in the first place.  And it was the reason I was having a hard time seeing if I had poured out all the contents of the can….which somehow (still not sure how, it happened so fast) caused me to carve a 3/4 inch deep & 1 inch wide laceration into my wrist.  I freaked out a bit after seeing all the blood, but we were able to get it under control relatively quickly by putting some serious pressure  on it. Anyway, heading to the hospital was not an option, since most roads were literally closed and our cars were stuck behind  an actual wall of snow.  Even calling an ambulance would have just put everyone at unnecessary risk, it was that bad out there.  Besides, it wasn’t bleeding at all.  Long story short, we made it to the emergency room the next day, where I was informed it was too late for stitches (even thought I technically needed them) since at this point the wound was too contaminated to sew shut for fear of infection.  Wonderful!  Now I’m left with a steri-taped, gauzed & wrapped wrist that I’m hoping will heal in a way that does not leave me with too bad of a scar.  Oh, and did I mention the cut is right where my hand meets my arm (yes, it looks like I tried to commit suicide)….and did you know that this particular spot is very difficult not to bend during daily activities, which is only slowing down the whole healing thing.  Oh, and that tetanus shot was a boatload of fun too!  Oh, and I’m not going to be able to do my normal workouts for a while, which doesn’t help the out of control food consumption that’s been happening around here lately during all these snowed-in days!

Yes, I know I’m complaining and whining, yet again.  Deal with it (and I mean that in the nicest way possible)!



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Mommy Confessions

One thing I’ve said right from the start of this little blog of mine, is that I want to be as honest as I can when sharing my personal tales of mommyhood.  See,  I just love when fellow mamas divulge the REALNESS of life, kids, marriage, womanhood and everything in between,  as they depict their various daily adventures.  It’s about admitting that life can often be crazy and chaotic, and that along with all the wonderful & amazing ups, every now and then there are some not so desirable downs.  That our lives are not perfect…that WE are not perfect and it’s ok to acknowledge our faults.  Because THAT is what I can identify with and THAT is what lets me know I am not alone…and not the only neurotic, stubborn, sarcastic, shopaholic who has a serious chocolate addiction (see here)  and sometimes second-guesses her abilities as a mother & wife.

So, in continuing with this objective, I thought I’d list out a few honest revelations that are randomly floating around my brain at the moment.

1. I never thought that after becoming a parent I would also become so incredibly dependent on CAFFEINE!

2. No matter how hard I try not to, I still continue to regularly compare myself to other moms.  One day I will have to accept the following: arts & crafts are not my thing, I do not possess the skills necessary to cook fabulously fresh & healthy meals on a daily basis, I will always feel a little out of place in those mommy groups/clubs, and I will most likely never be the ambitiously organized head of our school’s PTA.

3. Mommy Guilt – WTF??  With me, this phenomenon started not long after my baby girl was born and was fueled by a (predictable) case of post-partum depression.  I had all these crazy emotions & feelings of doubt, anxiety, and resentment, which of course brought on a boatload of guilt.  It took a good 6 months before I really felt connected to my daughter, hence more guilt.  Not that I didn’t love my peanut with all my heart, I did!  I just never imagined NOT having that new mommy glow right away.  Of course, now when I think of those first few months I can’t help but feel tremendous guilt that I wasn’t the best mom that I could have been  - that I kind of missed out on moments I’ll never get back.  Over the last 3 1/2 (almost 4) years the various forms of guilt related to what I am or am not doing in regards to my role as a mama just keep piling on, and unfortunately I don’t expect that to completely stop any time soon. 

Hoo boy…..I think that’s probably enough reflection & honesty for tonight.  I should be asleep by now so that I can start tomorrow refreshed, energized and bright & shiny!  Alas, since it is now 11:20 pm, I will not get enough sleep to achieve the afore-mentioned bright & shiny disposition.  Naturally, I will start the day tired & cranky and will most likely procrastinate all morning, causing us to run late yet again!

Serenity now…….serenity now.



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Exercise, Eat Right & Sleep – Easy As Pie, Right?

So, I think the thing I find most annoying about being a 30-something mama, is that I’m no longer 20-something maintaining a healthy body that I can live with seems to get harder by the freekin’ minute!

Growing up, I never had to live with weight issues (thankfully!) and have always been on the skinny side from my teenage years and into my 20’s, even to now.  Of course, like everyone else, I hit that point, somewhere around 25, where things slowly started to change and that good old metabolism began to slow down.  Then, at 30, I got pregnant and had a baby, and with that bundle of joy came the almost 60 pounds of  weight gained by consuming everything that qualified as a food substance within a 20 mile radius for 9 months.  Needless to say, after that 6.5 lb baby left my belly, it was a bit of a shock to realize that this did not make much of a dent whatsoever in jump starting my weight loss & my post-baby body still required maternity pants (and would continue to do so for another 4 months!).  It took an entire year (much to my dismay) to get back to my pre-pregnancy size, but still my body has never been the same.  All the various parts that shifted around to make room for the HUMAN growing in my tummy (the whole thing always seemed very ‘Alien’-like to me) just somehow forgot where the hell they were originally located.  I mean, come on!   Never mind that my expanded hip bones decided to stay put, but why the frick  does my torso now seem to be longer??  Seriously, almost all of the shirts I wore in my previous life are now too short…weirdness!

Anywhosie, my point is that I am now at a place in life where, after entering a new decade & becoming a mama, so much of my/our time & energy is dedicated to discussing our weight and doing (or not doing) what it takes to maintain it….and really, that’s just irritating.  It seems every day, between the hubster and I, we fret over what (or what NOT) we’re eating,  and is it healthy, and dear God someone stop me from inhaling this super-size bag of french fries that is destined to go straight to my ass! 10 years ago I never gave thought to quantity or quality when it came to food – it was a downright free-for-all!  I miss those days….*sigh*.  I guess this is just the natural course of life, the way we progress from one stage of adulthood to the next.  The way our priorities and needs change when it comes to our bodies.

The good news is that about a year ago I finally figured out at least a piece of the puzzle – we joined a FABULOUS gym and I started exercising for the first time EVER!  And lo and behold, after about a month I actually started to notice a difference….I seriously looked in the mirror and was all ‘holy shit, are those muscles I see when I flex my arms?’.  And then as time went by, it all became a natural part of my weekly routine and then I did something I hadn’t done in a long time – I wore a bikini (all summer long)!  Woohoo, thanks Body Pump class (which totally rocks & brings results fast)!  I can now honestly say I feel & look better at 34 than I did at 24…......and I think that’s pretty darn cool, if I say so myself :) Of course, sometimes it’s just too easy to be lazy and fall out of sorts with my routine.  Especially right now, when I totally need to get my tushie in gear again to work off those gazillion carb-loaded sweets I ate over the holidays (I swear, every Christmas it’s like I’ve never eaten a sugar cookie before, that’s how fast I inhale them & every other chocolate confection that comes my way!).  BUT, I know that if I get back on track  it won’t be long until I’m right back to where I want to be.  I know I can do it!

Now, if I could just figure out how to do something about that lack of sleep that comes with the whole parenthood thing…..yeah, yeah -  not gonna’ happen!



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Is It Summer Yet??

Ugh, I am so not a winter person.  It has been unbelievably FREEZING COLD here in the Northeast over the last few weeks, and I’ve come to realize that I’m just not a fan!  Between the layers up on layers of clothing constantly going on & off, my ridiculously staticy fine hair, and the continuous cycle of hopping from warm to cold to warm, I’m starting to count the days until spring/summer is upon us.  And don’t even get me started on how dry my skin has become, particularly my hands.  And the usual advice of not washing your hands too much & not taking hot showers…..yeah, that’s pretty much impossible to follow.  Especially as a stay-at-home mom, my freekin hands are in water ALL day long.  And please, who the hell can take a lukewarm shower in the morning when it’s about 20 degrees outside?!  I’ve set up the humidifier, bought various moisturizers, and even worn special moisturizing gloves over hands slathered in Aquaphor  ointment while I slept…..all to no avail.   I’m actually thinking about making an appointment with a dermatologist at this point, because as of late my fingers/nails/cuticles seem to be rough & dry & cracked all year long, just worse in these winter months.  Below freezing temps…wind-chill and 50mph winds….icy roads…..yeah, I am SO over it!!
PS – Of course it figures that my first official step back into the swing of things is a post where all I do is complain & whine….did you expect anything less?





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And The Beat Goes On….

So, yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve posted regularly on this little blog of mine (aside from my post below where I tried, in vain, to get myself all riled up and back on track)……November 23, to be exact.  I’m not really sure how it all went down.  As time moved on and the weeks piled on, the act of writing a new post just became more & more daunting for whatever reason.  The holidays came and went (and with them loads of material that I’m sure would have provided some great content), and yet I continued to ignore that nagging little voice in the back of my brain that was screaming “WTF??!!  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??  JUST FREEKIN’ PICK UP YOUR SORRY ASS AND START WRITING AGAIN!!”.  There was even a point where I defiantly announced that I was done blogging, that this was the end of the road…I was giving up.  But you know, that’s not how this is going to play out.  I LOVE my blog….I am so proud of what I started and the outlet it has given me to write & express my thoughts.  SO THERE!  Now, if I can just get back even a small sliver of the momentum I had before, now then that would be just lovely.  And maybe, just maybe a few people will even come back over and take a gander at my somewhat random, yet highly amusing (I assure you), ramblings!



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Why, Why, Why

And now for my top 10 random list of whys:

1. Why do many animated movies meant for little kids have such sad story lines and/or somewhat scary characters?

2. Why are the Polly Pockets dolls dressed like sluts??

3. Why is it that when one of us is sick, it’s always on the weekend AND when the weather couldn’t be more beautiful??

4. Why are we, as moms, constantly wracked with some form of guilt?? Some examples include guilt for: working OR staying home & not contributing financially OR taking too much time OR taking too little time OR not being as good of a mother as ___(insert names here) OR not being the Betty Crocker type OR feeling resentful…the list goes on & on!

5. Why is the search for the perfect pair of black pants or the perfect foundation never-ending??

6. Why are the people on the board of our home owners association such small-minded numbskulls??

7. Why am I unable to master the fine art of applying eyeliner??

8. Why am I the only one who DOES NOT like the elliptical machine at the gym?? 

9. Why, even at 34 years old,  do I still sometimes feel like I don’t fit in??

and last, but certainly not least

10. Why do I never have anything to wear??



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Yikes….Interesting Article

So, I came across this article online today and just had to write a quick post about it to express my utter             disbelief that this can even happen in modern times.  A hospital in Rhode Island was just fined AGAIN for performing the 5th wrong site surgery in 2 years!  How is this even possible with all the checks & balances that are supposed to be in place at every single hospital in this country??  The latest incident involved surgery on the wrong finger, but in 2007 brain surgeons (BRAIN SURGEONS!!) operated on the wrong  part of the heads of 3 patients!  Whaaaaaa??  I just honestly don’t get it.   We’re talking about freekin’ neurosurgeons here  - these are generally quite intelligent people with a lot of education & knowledge.  And not just the doctors themselves, but the entire surgical team should most certainly have enough wherewithal to never, ever let something like this happen.  It can be hard to find a good physician who seems knowledgeable & trustworthy, and as patients we have no choice but to entrust doctors with our lives when it comes to illness & surgery.  And then to actually have something go wrong, not due to a complication, but because of a simple & stupid mistake like not marking the surgery site, that just seems unfathomable. 

Sorry, but this story just blows my mind.  And I know we’re not talking about an easy job here – without a doubt, being a surgeon is complex stuff!  But this story is about the simplicity of making a senseless mistake, multiple times.

If you want to read more, click HERE for the full article.

PS – My mother-in-law just had actual brain surgery (to clip an aneurysm) earlier this year at one of the best hospitals in the country with a very reputable surgeon.   With all the things we stressed over during that time, I couldn’t even imagine having something like this also be in our already over-loaded & worried thoughts.

PSS – Remind me to never get sick or injured while in the vicinity of the Rhode Island Hospital, which by the way is a teaching  hospital for Brown University….NICE!



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Can you Say ‘EMBARRASSING’?

I’ll admit that I am one of those people who unfortunately gets embarrassed quite easily.  Hell, I start to flush & have to change the channel just by seeing someone make a fool of themselves on television.  However, this past weekend I ended up in a situation with my husband that made both of us literally PRAY for the earth to open up and swallow us whole.  I mean, it was one of those moments where all you want to do is run away as fast as you can, but have no choice but to just stay there,  like you’re feet are stuck in mud.  No, this did not involve any sort of intoxicated lewd behavior (although we consumed numerous glasses of wine throughout the whole affair)!

Three words:  DECLINED CREDIT CARD!

Now hold on, let me just set the scene:  we were at dinner with friends (who WE were visiting from out of town), and another couple (who we had only met once before), after an afternoon of wine tasting & celebrating birthdays.  The chef at this restaurant was our friend’s brother.  The hubs and I had secretly plotted to pay for the whole tab, as a way to say thank you for the hospitality & for the day, and had given the waitress our card on the sly.   People were already beginning to thank us and we were reveling in our grand gesture of kindness!

So, as the waitress comes back and starts whispering to my hubby, I slowly realize what’s happening.  Dread fills every inch of my body, as I watch the wives already leaving the table to head outside with the kiddos.  So, we pass on another card to the girl….no biggie, problem solved!  Unfortunately, she comes back – DECLINED, AGAIN!!  Yikes!  At this point I am so MORTIFIED that I can’t even see straight.   I had to get out of there fast, so I abandon my darling husband by running off to the bathroom, where I shut the door behind me and breathed deeply for several minutes.  I came back to find that we had now split the bill three ways (and strangely no issues this time around).   We shuffled off to the car in silence as my stomach began to turn in knots, as if someone was stabbing me right in the gut.  I was literally physically ill and nauseas!

Now, here’s the kicker – once home (since there was no cell service the entire car ride), calls were made and guess what??  There should never have been any issues!  Plenty of money in the account on the debit card…BAM!  Plenty of cash flow available on the credit card with no problems of any kind….BAM!   So, the only conclusion we can draw is that the waitress somehow fudged things up.  Yes, in hind sight we should have had her re-try with my card or call the bank….but did I mention those many glasses of wine we had guzzled?  Yeah, they didn’t help the situation!

It didn’t matter though, the damage was done.  The IMPRESSION that we were poor slubs who obviously didn’t realize the depth of our seemingly non-existent finances was already made.  Look, I know a lot of people would say ‘so what?  it was an honest mistake’.  But here’s the thing:  having your credit card declined in front of friends after you’ve boasted about paying for everyone’s bill, is  just one of those social embarrassments that really suck ass!   No one wants to appear as if they have no money and/or have maxed out the credit cards. NO ONE!   And the more you try to explain, no matter how valid the reason, the more you look like a schmuck.

Our friends are great, and I know they don’t care & understand.  Still, ugh….embarrassing!  So here’s the question then – from an etiquette perspective, what would be an appropriate gesture/gift/expression to say ‘SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE MESS AND THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING’? 

Ooofah, what a weekend!  As a side note, the fact that Aunt Flo came on full force that morning  (sorry, TMI) and I subsequently had an “I hate my clothes and feel like a bloated blob” kind of day,  DID NOT  HELP MATTERS!!



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Bull In A China Shop

Why is it that every, single freekin’ time I’m out running errands with the peanut it feels like we are one big, bumbling mess of a disaster just thrashing our way through the aisles, taking out whatever may come our way??!!  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  For example, whether it be a trip to the store, the mall, or Old Navy, it usually goes something like this:

Me (at grocery store) : Honey, please stop touching everything we pass.

Me: Please stop squirming and sit down!

Me: Can you please hold on to your pretzel for one second without dropping it in the cart??

Me: Sit down!

Me: For the love of God, stop touching that!

The Peanut: Mama, I have to go potty!

Now, while this is going on and my patience wears thinner to the point of non-existence, I’ve got my own problems to contend with, mainly the fact that I’m a huge KLUTZ.  Seriously, it’s a constant array of key dropping, coupon dropping, receipt dropping, sunglasses dropping, and tripping over my own two feet….. really, the list goes on & on.  Unfortunately, it already looks like my off-spring has inherited this wonderful trait (which has lovingly been passed down from my mother’s side of the family), as not a day goes by without her literally falling over  from a STANDING position & wahhh, we have yet another bo0-boo!  So, as my child begins to vault out of the grocery cart during check-out, I’m usually fumbling for the bonus card, can’t find my bank card and muttering under my breath about the ridiculousness that is the cost of groceries these days as I realize that I yet again left the reusable bags in the car!  And my fly was open.  And I forgot the milk, one of the main reasons we went to the store in the first place.

OOFAH!  No wonder I rely so much on caffeine, chocolate and the occasional alcoholic beverage.



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What the Dealio, Part Deux for 9/9

Often, when I’m in the car, my mind starts to wander aimlessly about anything and everything.  So, today we were coming back from buying ballet shoes (yes, mama waited until last minute to do this) and a very random memory entered my scrambled brain as Miss E was squeaking on about starting dance class and “sometimes girls dance with boys” ….wait, what was that?  Anyway, that triggered a thought about how when I was in junior high school, each year part of the oh-so- brilliant phys-ed curriculum included a month or two of SQUARE DANCING!   Four couples per square, dancing around, set to music, for an entire hour…..I shit you not!!  This was a public school, in an award-winning school district.

Now, no matter how weird that may seem, what really impacted my already troubled teenage existence is how unbelievably torturous this whole thing was.  See, I was not one of the pretty, popular, cool girls….I was the geeky girl with braces & glasses who was the clear definition of UN-COOL!  And so, when in the beginning of each class the somewhat masculine female gym teacher (who was also the hockey coach..you get my drift) asked us to choose a partner, my entire body filled with dread & terror.  The popular girls of course immediately paired off…..and then waited with empathetic boredom as girls the likes of me stood there, humiliated that I wasn’t exactly the top choice for the rest of the boys.  And then I had to actually touch hands with my less-than-desirable partner. …eeek.  What the hell were those school administrators thinking?

On a side note, this also reminded me that a few years earlier in elementary school, also in gym class, we were taught a line dance to the song “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang and practiced this for several weeks as part of their educational program.  WTF??

Hmmm, this is starting to answer some questions for me…..



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What The Dealio?

I’m starting something new here at EllaBellaMozzarella that I hope to turn into a weekly post…..oh hell, knowing my SLIGHT tendency to procrastinate this may very well turn into a monthly thing!  Anywho, sometimes I may just want to rant/rave/blubber on incoherently about something I observed that day, the week before, or even last Christmas.   That’s when I’ll add a quick line or two and lovingly title it “What The Dealio?”

So, ok, seriously….why do celebrity mamas always look so fabulous when they are pregnant?  They seem to radiate a vibe that practically screams “I’VE NEVER FELT SO GREAT IN MY LIFE!”.  Never mind the fact that they have this whole mama sexy-glam look about them as they either wear the cutest maternity clothes you’ll ever see or (*gasp*) parade around the beach in a bikini.  After viewing the following link today, I am convinced if you were to look up that whole “pregnancy glow” thing in a dictionary, this is what you would see:
http://justjared.buzznet.com/photo-gallery/2196232/matthew-mcconaughey-labor-day-beach-17/

I only WISH I could have felt this wonderful while I carried a baby for 10 months!  Instead, as the days went by and the pounds piled on, all I felt like was wearing sweatpants &  tees  while I tried to ignore the growing list of  issues (swollen feet, stretch marks, back pain, the inability to stop the steady flow of sugary/sweet /bad-for-you goodies entering my mouth)  Bikini?  NO THANK YOU!